


Tragedy Is Not A Contest

by NikushaMauve



Category: Alice in Chains, Soundgarden (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-29
Updated: 2021-01-14
Packaged: 2021-02-20 08:06:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 8,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22014241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NikushaMauve/pseuds/NikushaMauve
Summary: Jerry develops feelings for an escort
Relationships: Jerry Cantrell/Chris Cornell
Comments: 10
Kudos: 22





	1. Chapter 1

"Fuck!" Jerry hissed as the older man's finger breached the tight ring of his entrance, clenching his restrained fists.

"Did that hurt baby?" he cooed. "I'll be as gentle as I can, alright?"

"No... that feels good," Jerry whispered, swallowing thickly.

The brunette looked up, relishing in watching the younger man squirm. "Bet you want something bigger than this, huh?"

He groaned in his throat while the digit moved faster, sliding in and out with ease. At the same time, the man kept his other hand busy with his length, gliding from base to tip in a slow rhythm. Aching for release, he could barely contain his climax.

"One more?" he stopped pushing his finger. "Or do you want my dick now?"

"God just do it already!" Jerry pleaded. "Please."

He laughed as he pulled it out, kneeling and lifting Jerry's legs. With one hand he aligned himself with the entrance, the blonde sucking breath in through his teeth when the tip breached his tightness. Caressing his face, the man bowed down to kiss Jerry, who growled into his mouth as he eased his length inside.

As new as this was to him, Jerry felt a sense of intimacy in the act they were performing. They haven't met before, he didn't know this man's name, and until now, he never stepped down from his usual, dominant role for anyone. But somehow this felt familiar. Perhaps it was the escort's soft, deep voice speaking to him endearingly, the fact that he wasn't in a rush to get him off, and going out of his way to avoid causing pain.

Jerry could close his eyes and pretend the man was his previous lover of many years, but he told himself that would be stupid. The man on top of him had dark, luscious curls that fell well past his shoulders, and beautiful blue eyes that often met his own. Full, pink lips that he occasionally bit and licked, were now devouring his own. And his body was to die for, from his sculpted chest to his perfectly curved ass that the handcuffs kept Jerry from squeezing.

But his eyes were shut tight while the man rolled his hips into him, penetrating him in slow, deep strides. Jerry's chest was caressed by his hand, trailing down his abdomen and gripping his member that throbbed to his touch.

"How does this feel?" the brunette huffed as he drove into the other man with more force to stimulate his prostate.

Jerry could only muster up broken groans and hitched breathing, as he was beyond ready to release. He clenched his fists once more, nails digging into the flesh of his palms as he tried to control himself. He thought it would be too soon and wanted the man to fuck him some more. It didn't help that his length was stroked at the same time.

The man tossed his head back, granting Jerry a clear view of his sweat glistened chest that rose and fell as he panted. He held Jerry's legs firmly above his shoulders, showing no signs of letting go until he let out a long moan. His hips slowed down to sharp thrusts, cursing as he shot his seed inside Jerry.

Jerry followed his lead and came with a deep groan, ecstasy washing over his body as hot white ropes shot out onto his abdomen. His hands were relaxed as he caught his breath, looking up at the other man as he took his time pulling out.

A sigh of relief left his lips when the handcuffs were unlocked. He felt his wrists to check for marks.

"Did I put them on too tight?" the man took his hand.

Jerry shook his head. "Not really."

He took a deep breath. "So, how do you feel, birthday boy? Besides tired, of course."

"I feel wonderful," Jerry purred, laying his head against the pillows.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "...he scanned the room until his eyes were met with a familiar man with long dark curls standing by the door."

Seated with his friends, Jerry quietly nursed his drink. He would have rather stayed home and slept, but Sean urged him to join them. He told himself it wouldn’t hurt to have a couple of drinks then call it a night right after.

With a deep breath, he scanned the room until his eyes were met with a familiar man with long dark curls standing by the door. Jerry watched him move a bit of his hair away from his face, tucking it behind his ear. Sure enough, it was the same man Jerry hooked up with the night of his birthday.

Jerry excused himself from the group, striding towards him. A second thought clouded his mind, telling him he was potentially setting himself up for an awkward encounter by approaching the brunette. By the time it really occurred to him, he was already inches away from the man.

“Hey!” he greeted with a half-smile.

The other man looked up from his drink, blue eyes lighting up when he saw Jerry. “Ah, it’s nice to see you again. What brings you here?”

“Friends dragged me here.”

“You poor thing,” he knocked back some of his beer and licked his lips.

“Are you waiting for someone?” Jerry asked.

“Waiting for an excuse to leave, to be honest.”

“You wanna get out of this place?”

His eyes scanned the bar for a moment. “Yeah, let’s go.”

Jerry took the man’s hand and lead him out of the loud establishment to his car, stepping out into the warm night air.

“Where are we going, exactly?”

Jerry opened the passenger door for him, being careful not to slam it when he climbed inside.

He sat in the driver’s seat and put the key in the ignition. “Want to get a bite to eat?”

“Okay, sounds good.”

The car ride was silent, save for the cassette Jerry already had playing. Jerry broke the silence when it occurred to him that he never asked the man what his name was.

“I’m sorry, but… You never told me your name.”

The brunette giggled. “Sorry. My name’s Chris.”

He thought Chris was a cute name. It suited him. “Nice to meet you, Chris.”

“It’s nice to meet you too, Jerry.”

He was flattered that Chris managed to remember his name weeks after seeing each other for the first time and couldn’t hold back the smile that spread across his face.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jerry and Chris ate and got to know each other.

“Is it okay if I just get coffee? I’m honestly not too hungry.”

Jerry looked up from the menu. “You sure? It’s late, you should at least eat something.”

Chris propped his head up with his elbow on the table, not showing any signs of changing his mind.

“Even if it’s something small,” Jerry tried to persuade him.

The other man hummed, finally taking a first glance at the menu. “Hmm… I still want coffee.”

“That’s not food,” he chuckled. “Pick whatever you want. It’s on me.”

“Can I have some of what you’re having?”

Jerry closed his menu. “I’ll get a burger and fries, how’s that?”

“Fine with me.”

Jerry and Chris ate and got to know each other. It turned out that Chris wasn’t just a friend of a friend doing Sean and him a “favor” that night. As it turned out, he actually was an escort. Aware of that, Jerry wondered if it was odd to still have a crush on Chris, unphased by his job. Did Chris’ job allow him to be involved with someone else, let alone a previous client?

Chris picked up on Jerry’s lack of a dramatic reaction. “You don’t seem bothered by this at all.”

He set his drink down after a long swig. “I’m not. I would never judge you. I’ve got no reason to.”

“Well, I appreciate that, Jerry,” Chris looked relieved. “That’s the first time I’ve heard anyone tell me that.”

“I know we don’t know each other like that, but I meant what I said.”

“I’ll hold you to that then!” Chris grinned, plucking a French fry off his plate.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He had the brunette on his lap, both of them in the midst of undressing each other.

Fooling around with Chris again was the least of Jerry’s intentions. Yet the two men retreated to the backseat of the latter's car. He had the brunette on his lap, both of them in the midst of undressing each other. Chris’ shirt came off first, falling to the floor of Jerry’s car.

Jerry licked his lips, taking a short moment to admire the other man’s body illuminated by the dim street lights. He brought one hand to Chris’ right nipple, teasing it with his thumb. Chris grunted, taking a fistful of Jerry’s shirt.

“Go ahead,” Jerry purred, observing his tightening grip. “Take it off.”

He lifted his arms, allowing Chris to remove his shirt. Jerry shivered when his cool hands slid up his torso, caressing his chest.

“Are my hands cold?” Chris asked with a soft voice.

“Doesn’t bother me,” Jerry lay his head back against the seat. “Feels kinda good.”

Chris draped his arms around Jerry’s neck before rolling his hips against him.

“Mmmm, your long cock feels kinda good right now,” Chris purred, grinding his erection against Jerry's.

Jerry blushed, unsure of how to respond to the flattering compliment, or how far their fooling around would go. He was certain about wanting Chris to take the lead again, and removing his jeans as soon as he could.

As if on cue, Chris left his lap, sitting beside him and fumbling with his belt. After undoing that, he ran his palm against the blonde’s manhood, going back and forth along his length.

“Why do you wear your jeans so tight with a dick this big?” Chris shot him a look, a smile spreading across his face. “We should take this off too.”

He sat up so Chris could pull his jeans down easier, leaving them around his ankles. His member sprung up, long and erect against his stomach. On Chris’ thumb, the slit was wet with precum. Closing his hand around the girth, he made himself comfortable beside Jerry, leaning down to take it into his mouth.

Jerry cursed under his breath when the other man tightened his lips, bobbing his head in a slow rhythm. He wanted to move Chris’ curly hair away from his face, but something in his mind told him not to cross any boundaries touching him this way. _Don’t get too comfortable with this. He's not your lover._


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jerry swallowed, suppressing the urge to pull Chris in for a heated kiss.

“I appreciate you taking me home, Jerry,” Chris spoke softly.

Parked in front of Chris’ apartment building, Jerry pondered how someone as confident and dominant as Chris could also be so meek. Getting to know him became more alluring, but Jerry feared coming across as clingy. They had been together for only two nights, so it was difficult to tell if they were friends yet. Or if friends was the correct word.

“My pleasure,” Jerry reached into his coat pocket, pulling his wallet out.

“Jerry.”

He lifted his head, facing the other man, his expression matching his voice in blankness.

In less than a second, his lips spread in a wide smile. “Please put your wallet away.”

“Are you sure?” Jerry closed it but kept it in his hand. “I’d feel weird if I didn’t—”

“Oh, _that_ ,” he chuckled, his eyes falling to his hands. “Yeah, you don’t have to give me any money. You already bought me dinner, and… you’re very sweet to me.”

Jerry swallowed, suppressing the urge to pull Chris in for a heated kiss. Instead, he put his wallet away without a word.

“Jer’,” Chris purred.

That caught his full attention. He was pulled forward the moment he faced Chris, a grunt emerging from his throat when Chris’ lips were pressed against his own. The kiss was quick, his hands still cupping Jerry’s face when he pulled away.

“See you soon?”

Jerry nodded. “I’m looking forward to that.”

“Me too,” Chris kissed Jerry’s cheek.

Jerry watched Chris leave the car and tread up the front steps. Stopping in front of the doors, he turned around and waved goodbye.

About halfway into his drive home, Jerry realized that he didn’t ask for Chris’ number. If it were anyone else, he might have kicked himself for forgetting to ask. But Chris wasn’t like everyone else. Not based on what Jerry knew about him so far.

He looked forward to crossing paths with Chris again.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Almost a month passed until Jerry saw Chris again.

Almost a month passed until Jerry saw Chris again. Jerry often worried about where he was and if he was alright. He hadn’t heard a word about him from anyone else. He thought of getting Chris’ number from Sean, but Chris never mentioned having a phone. If he did, they would’ve exchanged numbers already, right?  
  
Jerry shook his head, taking one last drag from his cigarette before stubbing it out in his car’s ashtray. Even if he did have Chris’ number, what would he say? What if Chris didn’t want to give it to him?  
  
He took a right towards a grocery store, pulling into a parking space near the entrance and killing the engine. The sooner he grabbed what he needed for dinner, the sooner he could leave. He looked to his left and saw a dark-haired man walk at a brisk pace into the store. Swallowing, he stepped out of his car. By the time Jerry passed the automatic doors, the man was nowhere in sight.   
  
_That was expected_ , he told himself, hoping they bumped into each other by chance before he left. He took a basket from the stack beside him and started shopping.   
  
After picking up a few peppers and ground beef, he had a new craving for pasta. But food wasn’t the only thing he was craving.  
  
He told himself to focus on ingredients for dinner, taking his mind off the intrusive, lewd thoughts that reddened his face. He needed sauce and pasta. Perhaps garlic bread or salad as well. Looking up towards the ceiling, the dry foods aisle was closest to him according to the signs. So he headed there to look for noodles.  
  
He made a noise in his throat and stopped dead in his tracks when he spotted Chris. Wide, blue eyes stared back at him. Jerry looked down at the hand stuck in the brunette’s black coat, presumably in a hidden pocket. Then at the rows of ramen noodles in front of him, and back at Chris. He approached him slowly. He didn’t intend to alarm or confront him, or have him get caught stealing.  
  
Chris opened his mouth, but Jerry raised his hand to silence him.  
  
“It’s okay. Just… just get in the car and wait for me. I’m making dinner for you.”  
  
Chris looked at the rack in front of him, biting his lip. Sheepishly, he removed the pack of ramen from his coat and put it back.  
  
Jerry kept his voice down. “You remember what my car looks like, right?”  
  
The other man nodded, his shaky hands sliding into his pockets.  
  
“Go ahead, it’s unlocked.”  
  
Jerry watched as Chris walked away, taking a deep breath.  
  
 _Okay… noodles, sauce, and garlic. Then we have to get the fuck out of here._


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Uhh…” Jerry chuckled. “S-shouldn’t you taste the food before you kiss the cook?”

“What would you do if I stole your car?” Chris poked his head out of the passenger window.  
  
Jerry dropped the grocery bag in the back seat and shut the door. “You wouldn’t do that.” He walked around to the driver’s side and climbed in.  
  
Chris yawned into his sleeve. “Why do you think so?”  
  
“I know that because I trust you. I wouldn’t leave you in my car by yourself with the keys in the ignition if I didn’t trust you.” He turned the key and started the engine. “Do you know how to drive?”  
  
Chris shook his head.  
  
“I rest my case.”  
  
Jerry smiled. He enjoyed getting a small chuckle out of the other man. Who knows what kind of day Chris had? Or evening? Regardless, he deserved to eat. Something more than a single pack of noodles.  
  
The ride to Jerry’s house was quiet. He didn’t ask how Chris’ day went, or anything seemingly out of line or upsetting to him. He could tell something was wrong the moment he lay his eyes on Chris, but that was none of his business unless Chris felt like confiding in him.  
  
“Hey, um…” Chris’ broke the silence with uncertainty in his voice, looking forward then back at Jerry. “You didn’t have to help me back there, but thank you.”  
  
“I didn’t think of it as helping you but… you’re welcome.”  
  
“Then why did you do that?”  
  
 _Because I love you…_  
  
Jerry pursed his lips, thinking it was far too soon. How could he explain why he cared so much about Chris? He had no desire for anything in return, and nothing sexual came to mind. He enjoyed his warm presence more than anything. If there was one thing he wanted, it was knowing whether Chris felt a similar way about him.  
  
“You don’t have to answer. I guess that was an odd question,” Chris looked down at his own fidgeting hands. “You don’t really need a reason to be kind, do you? I should just be thankful.”  
  
Jerry pulled into his driveway, facing Chris when he noticed his voice went brittle. “You alright?”  
  
He couldn’t make out Chris’ face in the dark but he did catch a slow nod.  
  
“Okay… let’s go inside.”  
  
=======  
  
“Chris,” Jerry crouched in front of him. Chris begged to help make dinner, but Jerry insisted that he relax and make himself comfortable. And that was what he did, falling asleep on the sofa within minutes.  
  
His chest rose and fell in slow, quiet breaths. Jerry could let him sleep and admire his beauty, but he wanted Chris to eat while the food was hot.  
  
“Chris, dinner’s ready,” Jerry gently nudged the man’s shoulder.  
  
 _Either he’s really tired or I have to kiss him to wake him up…_  
  
Sighing, Jerry sat up. He’d try again after a few minutes, passing the time by setting the table and sharing a serving out for Chris. He was proud of how everything turned out. The sauce was perfect, he made sure to avoid making the same previous mistake of adding too much garlic. Penne noodles were a good choice, he realized. They held in more sauce as opposed to spaghetti.  
  
He set a hot plate down on the table for Chris, who was still asleep. He sauntered to the light switch by the door and turned the living room light off. It was then that he recalled the tea light candles he picked up from the store.  
  
He returned to the kitchen, opening a drawer next to the sink. He opened the packaging and took four tea light candles into his hand, dropping them in the two candle holders. They were shaped like glass tubes with pale, pink stones inside, making for a pleasant looking centerpiece. He placed them at the center of the table and lit them.  
  
Putting the lighter in his pocket, he turned towards the living room couch to check on Chris. This time, the brunette sat up, stretching his back and arms before he felt Jerry’s gaze on him.  
  
He folded his hands in his lap and smiled. “Hi, Jerry.”  
  
“Hi, Chris,” Jerry blinked. “Are you ready to eat?”  
  
“Mmhmm,” he stood up and came to the kitchen.  
  
Jerry took a plate and fork from the dish rack to serve himself. “Your plate’s on the table.”  
  
He tensed up when two arms enclosed him from behind, then relaxed into Chris’ embrace. His cheeks felt hot as a pair of lips left a smoldering kiss on his cheek.  
  
“Uhh…” Jerry chuckled. “S-shouldn’t you taste the food before you kiss the cook?”  
  
“I trust you,” he grinned. “I’m certain this will taste as wonderful as it smells.”  
  
=======  
  
Chris retreated back to the sofa after eating while Jerry washed the dishes up. Again, Chris was a guest, and the only thing Jerry expected of him was to relax and enjoy himself.  
  
The positive feedback thrilled him. He had never cooked dinner for another person since he was back at home looking after his siblings. Chris loved the pasta. Jerry almost choked on his water when he was told it tasted better than sex, which had to be the highest caliber of compliments he ever received.  
  
Setting the last dish aside, he dried his hands with a dishtowel before joining Chris in the living room.  
  
“Hey,” Chris purred. “Sit next to me.”  
  
Jerry almost seated himself on the other couch next to him but straightened up. Chris, initially lying across the sofa, sat up to give the other man some room.  
  
“You can come closer,” Chris said, possibly beckoning him. Jerry couldn’t refuse, moving closer to him and leaving almost an inch between them.  
  
“Were you trying to be romantic with the candles, Jerry?”  
  
The blonde stammered. “I— uh… okay… I guess that would be a romantic thing to do, but…”  
  
“It’s okay! I’m not complaining,” Chris wrapped his arms around Jerry. “I thought it was cute. And I like that candle holder with the gemstones in it.”  
  
Jerry reciprocated his affection, his right arm placed around the older man’s shoulders. “So they’re not just… colorful rocks?”  
  
“Nope. Well, not exactly. Those are pink tourmalines.”  
  
Jerry nodded slowly. “Do they have some sort of meaning?”  
  
“Yeah, they symbolize kindness and love. And emotional healing.”  
  
“That’s really cool,” he said. “It sounds like gemstones radiate positive energy somehow.”  
  
“That’s correct. Especially if you touch them or wear one.”  
  
Jerry grinned, impressed with Chris’ knowledge. “Do you know what all gemstones stand for?”  
  
“Not all of them… I remember the ones my mother wore, and a few others here and there. She introduced me to them and their… power.” Chris’s brows were furrowed, as if he was unsure if what he said made any sense.  
  
“I think power makes sense. Now I want to wear one,” Jerry chuckled.  
  
“Now that you mention it, I probably should have worn one tonight.”  
  
His smile faltered as he looked to Chris. He hadn’t asked about what went on but it worried him all night. “Did something bad happen?”  
  
Chris huffed. “No. Nothing out of the ordinary, I’m used to it. Still feel like utter shit though.”  
  
“I’m sorry, Chris…”  
  
The brunette smiled softly. “There’s no reason for you to say sorry. It’s not your fault.”  
  
“Whatever it is… it isn’t your fault either. You shouldn’t have to get used to it if it doesn’t make you feel good.”  
  
“It doesn’t actually matter if I feel good at work, Jerry. When I don’t, I can usually ignore it. I try, but… occasionally certain things get to me.”  
  
“I still think you deserve better, Chris.”  
  
Chris looked to the younger man, raising his hand to caress his face. Jerry closed his eyes as they combed through his long hair, his head tilting towards Chris’ hand.  
  
“You always know what to say,” Chris swooned. “It makes me feel… valued.”  
  
The words Jerry wanted to say were right on his tongue, but they could wait.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You’re allowed to look at me, you know.”
> 
> “I'm giving you a bit of privacy while you get dressed.”
> 
> “What if I don’t want to get dressed?”

While he allowed Chris to use the shower, Jerry picked out clean clothes from his dresser. After that, he had nothing else to keep himself busy.

He strolled into the living room, a deep exhale leaving his nostrils as he sat down. He leaned back and closed his eyes, his hands folded on his stomach. If Chris wanted to stay and sleep, he could take the bed.

He had no clue how much time had passed until a hand on his left shoulder woke him. Wiping the corners of his eyes, he turned around.

“What’s up?”

Chris, now clad in only the towel wrapped around his waist, stood behind him. “You aren’t sleeping on the couch tonight, are you?”

Jerry sniffled. “I’m not making you sleep on the couch, that’s for sure.”

“Then why should you?” Chris paused. “There’s plenty of room for us both.”

“Because I want you to be comfortable.”

Now, both of Chris’ hands were on Jerry’s shoulders. “What if I told you… that I’d be more comfortable with you beside me?”

Jerry couldn’t argue against that. He would do anything for Chris. And if that was what Chris wanted, that’s what he would get.

“Then… I’ll join you.” He rose from the couch and followed Chris to the bedroom. 

Jerry turned the door until it was almost closed. Sitting down at the end of his bed, he removed his blue flannel shirt, folding it and setting it down on the back of a chair. He turned around and quickly looked away as Chris took his towel off.

“Jerry…”

He kept his eyes on the floor. “Yeah?”

“You’re allowed to look at me, you know.”

“I'm giving you a bit of privacy while you get dressed.”

Chris’ feet padded against the wood floor in slow steps, standing in front of him. With a gentle hand, he tilted Jerry's chin upwards so his gaze met Chris’ half-lidded eyes.

“What if I don’t want to get dressed?”

Jerry’s mouth hung open while he thought of a response. He would be a fool to tell Chris to cover up. But that was his erection talking. Regardless, Chris was welcome to do whatever he wanted.

Chris’ fingers trailed up the side of his face, then ran through his hair. “Are you going to answer me? Or can I fill your mouth with my tongue instead?”

Jerry swallowed hard. “You—uh, you can do the second thing.”

Smiling, Chris gently pushed him, to which Jerry lay down on his back. Straddling his legs around Jerry, Chris startled the blonde with a sharp hiss when he sat on the man’s lap.

“What’s the matter?” Jerry sat up a little, propping himself up with his elbows.

Chris shook his head. “Just sore as hell. I’m alright though.”

“We don’t have to do anything if you don’t—”

“But I want to,” Chris mumbled.

“And I don’t want to hurt you.”

Chris untangled himself from Jerry, biting his own lip as he lay beside him. Jerry watched his hand close the space between them, copping a feel of his chest. His own hand cupped Chris’ face while their lips met, moving at a slow pace together. It wasn’t long until Chris’ tongue began exploring his mouth, to which they both moaned in unison to the sensation.

Jerry gasped when their lips separated. He caught his breath while Chris kissed his cheek, then his jaw, and finally his neck.

“Fucking you wouldn’t hurt me,” Chris grunted between kisses. “As long as I go slow.”

He nodded, his erection throbbing in his jeans. He was definitely up for that.


	9. Chapter 9

“You almost there?” Chris purred into his ear, his face nuzzled in the blonde’s hair.

Chris’ breath against his skin alone almost sent Jerry over the edge. He nodded, his grip on the pillow tightening while Chris thrust into him.

“Me too,” Chris grunted, holding Jerry tighter with an arm across his chest. His other hand held the base of Jerry’s length, moving back and forth in slow strokes.

Jerry moaned, placing his own hand over Chris’. He didn’t want any of it to stop, being jerked off and penetrated. Or the other man’s muscular body against his own, most of all. He relished the feeling of being close to Chris. A feeling that was more than physical on his end.

After the two men finished and cleaned themselves up, they lied beside each other. Chris was fast asleep after the light was turned off. Jerry, still awake and resting on his back, stared at the ceiling. Years had passed since he last shared a bed with anyone. He dated a few times, but nothing serious ever became of it. Was Jerry serious enough with Chris to lie a little closer to him? Or even put an arm around him?

If Chris snuggling up against his chest was an answer of some sort, Jerry still doubted it. Nonetheless, he kissed the top of Chris’ head and embraced him.


	10. Chapter 10

**_Five years ago..._ **

“What do you think of this?” Chris handed his notebook to Kim.

The older man stopped playing his guitar and turned around. His eyes followed the words on the page for a minute, his brows raised as he nodded.

“You wrote this just now?”

“Yeah, for that riff you were playing.”

Kim looked taken aback but impressed by Chris’ lyrics. “You’re brilliant. This is great Chris!”

Chris typically kept the contents of his notebook to himself, besides the occasional notes, drawings, or lyrics he presented to Kim. The positive feedback granted him a boost of confidence he hadn’t felt in months. His friend always encouraged him to allow his creative juices to flow. Not for the band, but for his own sake of self-expression. The kind of advice he wished he followed more often.

He left Kim’s house and returned home that evening with a smile across his face, eager to share what he came up with to his fiance. Eddie sang in a band as well, admittedly more popular than his. But he wouldn’t allow that fact to intimidate him.

He found Eddie in their upstairs bedroom, talking to someone on the phone. The shorter man turned around to the sound of the door closing, flashing a grin back at Chris.

“O—okay Mike, I have to go.” Eddie sat on the bed, rolling his eyes after some seconds of silence. “It doesn’t matter what I’m doing…”

Chris hesitated before sitting beside Eddie, using his raised finger to tuck a bit of his curls behind his ear.

“Well it can wait until tomorrow…” he went quiet until his eyebrows knotted. “Because I want to be with my boyfriend and go to bed, that's why.”

Eddie shook his head. “You know what, I’ll call you tomorrow. Good night.”

He hung up the phone and faced Chris, taking the older man’s hands into his own.

Chris’ smile returned. “Hi Eddie.”

“Hey baby. I’m really sorry about that. Mike just talked my ear off for 45 minutes.”

“It’s alright. Seemed like it was important.”

Eddie shot him a look. “Trust me, it wasn’t. Probably not as important as… what I’m guessing you wanted to tell me?”

His eyes grew wide when he remembered the lyrics. “Oh that’s right!” He flipped through the pages until he found it, handing the notebook to Eddie. The younger man read it, his brows furrowed as he seemed to look away in thought. He looked at the page again once more, before his eyes met Chris’.

“I’m afraid I don’t…” Eddie’s mouth remained open but silent.

Chris’ smile fell. “What? You don’t understand it or you don’t like it?”

“I'll be honest... it’s both.”


	11. Chapter 11

Jerry awoke to the feeling of Chris trembling against him. He tightened his embrace a little to comfort Chris, whose head lay against the left side of his chest.

“Chris,” he spoke in a deep whisper. “What’s wrong?”

When he heard no answer, Jerry ran one of his hands through Chris’ hair. He assumed the other man was still asleep, possibly having a bad dream. He sighed, pushing the dark hair behind his ear. The palm of his hand gently brushed against Chris’ cheek, drawing back when he felt something… wet.

_Tears? Fuck… he’s crying._

He sat up to reach the lamp and turned it on, sure to wake up Chris with his sudden shifting around.

“Jer’?” Chris murmured, his eyes still closed while pulling a pillow underneath his head. “Is everything okay?”

The blond responded with a nod. “I should be asking you that.”

“Why?”

“You started shaking. Then you started crying.”

Now Chris’ eyes opened. “I… I was?”

The brunette sat up, wiping the back of his hand against one cheek.

“I guess I was. I’m really sorry for waking you up, Jerry.”

“Hey, don’t be sorry,” Jerry pulled him close, leaving a soft kiss on his temple. “Are you okay? Did you have some kind of nightmare?”

“Something like that," Chris sighed. "It was something that actually happened… but this was years before I met you.”

“So like a bad memory?”

“Oh yeah,” Chris let out a quiet, nervous laugh. “It was awful. Things like that still bother me, even while I sleep. I’d rather forget about them. I need to get over him.”

“Him?” he repeated.

“My ex,” Chris paused, his eyes facing forward in thought. “I don’t want to think about him right now.”

Jerry turned the lamp off and lay on his back, both hands underneath his head. “That’s alright. We don’t have to talk about him.”

“Yes, you’re right,” The other man did the same, snuggling against him. “I'm with you right now, so fuck him.”

‘Aww, Chris…” he trailed off, clueless about what to say.

“Yes, Jerry?”

“Uh… I don’t know,” he halted, gazing at the bright full moon in the window that gleamed through the curtains. “I’m just flattered.”

“I can tell. I like making you blush. It’s so cute.”

“I think you’re cute.” He placed both arms around Chris and closed his eyes.


	12. Chapter 12

Jerry awoke with a groan, shutting his eyes tighter due to the harsh morning sunlight. What actually woke him up was the hand around his erection. He lifted the covers to peek underneath, despite knowing it was Chris already.

"Good mo-- oooh fuck, yes," his head fell back against the pillows as Chris' tongue met his member. It moved in slow circles around the tip while saliva dripped down his shaft.

Chris closed his lips around it, going down an inch before retracting with a soft pop. The blonde cursed when Chris gave the underside a slow lick, his tongue flat against the hot flesh as he teased him. Then he went for it, his cheeks hollowing and engulfing most of Jerry’s length.

“Oh, Chris,” he moaned. “You are too fucking good to me.”

Chris’ other hand braced Jerry’s inner thigh while going down on him, taking the rest of it into his mouth gradually. He groaned when it met the back of his throat, emitting a deep sound of pleasure and approval from Jerry.

"Can I touch you?" Jerry asked.

After Chris hummed affirmatively, Jerry's fingers ran through his hair a little. He thought of holding Chris in place while he thrust into the older man's mouth. He decided not to. He liked allowing the other man to do whatever he pleased with him. He wanted to savor the moment as he grew closer to his climax.

Chris drew back to catch his breath. “Fuck, it’s big.”

“You like it?” Jerry purred.

“I love it. It’s so long, and thick...” he trailed off, moving his hand slowly along the girth. “I can’t get enough of it.”

“I can’t get enough of _you,_ Chris.”

“Good, because I’m all yours,” he replied before going back down on Jerry.


	13. Chapter 13

_Jerry found himself in a dark hallway. It looked like someone's house, albeit unfamiliar. Facing forward, there were several closed doors on either side with no end in sight. The third door to his right was cracked open. He followed the gleam of the light involuntarily. As if something pushed him towards that specific room._

_Pushing the door open, the first thing Jerry saw was a large canopy bed with long, black drapes hanging from the frame. It looked exactly like the bed he once shared with Layne. He entered the room and looked down at his bare feet. The thick red carpet felt familiar as well. As he examined his surroundings, he realized he was standing in their old bedroom._

_He turned his head to the left, and the unknown force from before beckoned him through the balcony doors._

_"L-Layne?" he whispered, his heart pounding in his chest._

_The thin, blonde man in front of him turned around. His locks were long, almost brushing against his shoulders. He looked much younger than the last day Jerry saw him alive, his blue eyes open wide, almost glowing vividly in the dark. He was barefoot and clad in all white._

_"Layne," Jerry's throat felt tighter as he spoke. "I miss you so much."_

_The other man smiled. "I know you miss me, but I am always with you."_

_Jerry wanted to close the space between them and touch him, but his body refused to cooperate. "But-- but it's not the same. Nothing will ever be the same without you."_

_"I understand," Layne sighed, his gaze falling to the ground for a moment, then back to Jerry. "I never wanted this to happen. Not like this."_

_His breathing became labored, torn between wanting to cry and telling Layne he was sorry._

_Layne stepped closer to Jerry slowly. "You don't need to apologize to me."_

_"I--" Jerry stopped as he felt Layne's touch, the back of the latter's fingers caressing his face. His body would not let him reciprocate his lover's comforting affection, leaving him to stare at Layne with a lost, pleading look in his eyes._

_"This is not your fault. I feel the same way you do... when you blame yourself."_

_Jerry failed to fight back his tears, his jaw tightening while he closed his eyes. Sniffling and opening them again, one trickled down his face. Again, he wanted to say he was sorry, this time for not being strong like  
Layne wanted him to._

_Layne leaned into him, kissing his tears away one by one. He drew back for a second, returning to press his lips against Jerry's._


	14. Chapter 14

Jerry turned to his side when he woke up, but there was no one beside him. There was, instead, a pink piece of paper. He turned to lie on his back and pick up the note.

_Jerry,  
I hate to leave so soon without saying goodbye. Thank you for everything, especially for being so sweet to me as usual.  
I have to work later tonight, but I would love to see you again.  
Call me!_

Chris signed the short note with his name, and a wink and heart drawn next to it. Jerry stared at his phone number below. He wanted to call Chris but felt that it was too soon. There was no telling how long ago he left or where he was. Yet, that wasn't why he decided to wait a while until calling.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A day had passed since Jerry read the note. He spoke on the phone with Sean for an hour or two and tidied up his apartment to keep himself busy. He dozed off on his couch in the late afternoon, telling himself that he'd call Chris when he woke up.

After a few hours, his eyes opened wide. The only thing he could hear was the buzzer next to his door. Grumbling, he rose to his feet, wiping his eyes as he shuffled to his door. He assumed Sean was stopping by, buzzing him in and unlocking the door. He retreated to his couch and lied down, running his hands through his hair.

His door creaked, opening slowly before Chris poked his head into the apartment. "Jer?"

Jerry sat up. "Chris?"

"Babe, can I come in?"

"Of course you can!" Jerry moved over to make room for Chris on the couch. "You should never have to ask. You're always welcome here."

"Damn it Jer..." he closed the door and joined Jerry in the living room. "You're going to make me blush."

Jerry folded his arms. "You do that to me too. On purpose."

"Guilty as charged," Chris sighed.

"I actually was thinking of calling you, you know."

Chris touched his blonde hair tenderly, tucking it behind his ear. "Because you miss the sound of my sexy, sultry voice?"

"For the most part, yes," he smirked. "Plus, Sean invited me to a party tonight, and I'm thinking about going with the guys."

Chris eyes lit up. "He told me about it too. At the last minute, on top of it."

He chuckled at the brunette rolling his eyes. "Either way, I wanted to ask if you'd come with me."

"I'm thinking about it too, but you said you're going with 'the guys'," he emphasized the end with his hands.

To Jerry, Chris already sounded as though he would be left out. This was the least of his intentions, as he looked forward to taking Chris along more than going alone.

"Sean and Mike are my best friends. That doesn't mean I'd ditch you to hang with them. You being there was what enticed me to go to this party to begin with."

Chris looked away, then at him. "I'm enticing?"

"I have always found you enticing, Chris." he stopped himself before pouring too much of his heart out.

Chris' lips spread into a wide smile. "Really, Jerry?"

Jerry considered placing his hand over Chris', or anything similarly gentle to show the other man that he meant what he said. But he could be honest without being too forward, right?

"I mean it. I enjoy every moment I spend with you, more than you'll ever know. I know it sounds sappy but it's true."

"Sappy?" Chris tilted his head to the side. "I found that very sweet, Jerry."

Before Jerry could reply, a pair of lips were pressed against his own. Naturally, he went with it. He felt a flutter in his chest, more prominent than the blood rushing to his groin. In the back of his mind, he wondered if Chris felt it too.


	15. Chapter 15

That evening, Jerry and Chris drove to the party. Sean told the former that a band called Pearl Jam were hosting, celebrating the release of their first album before departing on their tour. Jerry didn't know the first thing about this band, but he wouldn't say no to free booze and weed.

What excited him more was Chris agreeing to join them. Over six years passed since Jerry last attended a party with a date by his side, that date being his late husband Layne. In turn, he often declined invitations like this after Layne's passing. Still mourning, the last thing he wanted was to be in public or around people, strangers or otherwise. He stopped speaking to Sean, Mike, and the rest of his friends for months at a time as a result. It took him years to swallow his pride and stop facing his pain alone.

Jerry retained most of Sean's directions for the most part, taking a right at the intersection after getting off the highway. Only a couple of gas stations and fast food spots were located closer to the intersection. Immediately after that, there were only trees bordering the dim road.

"I'm assuming you know where we're going," Chris rested his head on Jerry's shoulder.

Jerry brought his arm around to embrace Chris, keeping his other hand on the steering wheel. "I think we're going the right way. Sean told me to take the first left I saw at this point. After the straightaway, I mean. Said that was the driveway."

Up ahead, Jerry spotted a driveway and mailbox on his left. Because sun had set halfway through their trip, he needed to slow down and turn his high-beams on to navigate through the pitch black woods. To him, it sounded like they were at the right place. He and Chris could both hear distant music that grew louder as they made their way up the road.

The music source turned out to be the large white house they pulled up to. Jerry slowed down more, looking for a parking spot. A long, annoyed huff passed his lips due to his lack of luck.

"Oh... no, Jerry..." Chris squeezed his shoulder. "I can't go in there."

Jerry turned his head. "Why? What's the matter."

He pointed his finger towards the house. "That's... Eddie fucking lives here."


	16. Chapter 16

"Jerry," Chris pleaded. "I-I really don't wanna go in there."

Jerry contemplated driving for another two hours straight to bring Chris home. They just arrived, and he was looking forward to sitting down, having a beer, and perhaps, making out with Chris. Knowing there was a chance they would bump into Eddie, he didn’t believe any of that was worth making Chris uncomfortable.

Ready to turn the car around, the tapping against his window caught him off guard. Jerry turned to his left and pulled the window down. “Sean?”

The other man poked his head into the car. “Surprised to see me?”

“Uh yeah, a little,” Jerry mumbled. “I was just getting ready to turn around and bring Chris home.”

“Chris is with you?” Sean tilted his head to the left. “Wassup man?”

Chris waved. “Hey, Sean. I asked Jerry to bring me home.”

“Why? What’s the matter?”

“I don’t want to see Eddie.”

A short moment of silence passed before Sean stood up straight. “You guys should come out for a second. Let’s talk.”

Chris and Jerry stepped out of the car and followed Sean up the driveway. They entered the garage briefly to go through the door to the right. The first thing Jerry noticed upon stepping into the house was the smell of weed. To his surprise, the house wasn’t as packed and rowdy as he expected. The music wasn’t that loud either, and he knew a Gruntruck song when he heard one.

“Where are you taking us?” Chris’ voice came out like a whisper yet loud enough to hear. “I said I don’t want to see him and you’re leading us around his house.”

“We’re going to the pool. There’s a keg out there if you guys want some beer,” Sean led them through the kitchen and out the white patio doors. “And Eddie isn’t here yet.”

Looking ahead, the back of the house was illuminated by the pool lights. Although he wouldn’t say it out loud, Jerry saw himself getting lost staring into the aquatic blue hue all night if he lived in a house like Eddie's. He turned towards the table next to Sean, taking a red plastic cup and helping himself to some beer.

“You said he’s not here _yet_. That means he will be here at some point,” Chris folded his arms. “You should have told us sooner.”

“Sorry but...” Sean shook his head, sitting down in a wicker chair. “I honestly didn’t have that in mind. I didn’t think it was that bad.”

Chris glared at Sean. “You didn’t think it was that bad?! You were there when we broke up, Sean. You know more than anyone else does about that.”

“I know, I know. It was nasty. I’m sorry Chris. I just wanted you to be here. I’m sure Jerry does too,” Sean faced Jerry. “Right?”

He hummed, replying while knocking back some of his beer. “He’s right, Chris. I probably wouldn’t be here if you weren’t with me. I don’t even know who Eddie is or what a pearl clam is.”

“It’s Pearl _Jam_ ,” Sean corrected.

“I don’t— s-shut up, I don’t care,” Jerry chuckled. “I’m just here for the beer.”

“I’ll drink to that,” Sean took a quick sip. “I don't even like Eddie. Like, at all. Not letting him stop me from having a good time though. And neither should you, Chris.”

Jerry nodded. “I don’t want to pressure you, Chris, but he’s right. Fuck him.”

Facing the pool, Chris now had his hands on his hips, pacing back and forth. “What if I see him? What if we bump into each other or something?”

“He should know better than to approach you after what he did,” Sean replied. “Just ignore him.”

Chris' steps slowed down to a halt in front of Jerry, looking down into the latter's plastic cup. Or so Jerry thought. He fixed his gaze so he could face Chris, who he assumed was still thinking. The only thing on his mind was how beautiful Chris looked that evening. He wore a white t-shirt underneath a blue flannel that Jerry let him wear, black pants and black boots.

Their eyes met, to which Chris smiled. "Can I have some?"

Jerry saw Chris' hand hovering near his cup. "Some of my beer?"

"Mmhmm. Please?"

"Sure," he handed it to Chris. "You can have anything you ask for, you know."

"Anything?" the other man asked between gulps.

"Yes, anything, Chris," Jerry sat down next to Sean, leaning back into the seat. "Always."


End file.
